I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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