my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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