He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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