can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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