Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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