ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
