Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize