The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
