Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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