I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
