we made out on top of his cat.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im holly from the hills drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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