I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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