I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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