The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
