Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
