Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
