i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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