kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
