in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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