a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
