My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
