so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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