i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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