I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
