When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
