Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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