yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
