There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the day after is always just damage control
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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