I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
