just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
