i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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