mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
