I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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