so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
