My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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