Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
