Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
