Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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