I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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