i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
