Tell her she can't have a vagina
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
