So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
