I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
