how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
