My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
