I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
