Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize