butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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