this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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