Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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