Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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