so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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