buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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