Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize