I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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