are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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