I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
