if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I just sharted jello shots
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