My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
