I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
