mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
