I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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